W3 Music therapy
As I have shared with you all that my 5 day old son died due to complications in labor, and since yesterday I celebrated Ethan’s life by attending a local memorial walk in remembrance of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I feel I should share with you what music has meant to me over the last 21 months.
When I was in the hospital a couple of days after I delivered my son, who was born not breathing and was on a ventilator in a regional university hospital(see http://www.tinypurpose.com/ethan_story.html for more on this story), and it was clear that he had little hope to recover, a song came to me and my friend, Martha, who was sleeping in my room at the time. We both awoke and was thinking about this song, and I told her that if I happened to forget, I wanted that played at his funeral. That song, “Held”, by Natalie Grant*, helped to sustain me throughout the decision to remove my child from life support and to help me healthily question God’s providence throughout the next few months.
There have been several songs over the twenty months that have passed that have spoke most profoundly to my heart and showed me where I was and am in my grief journey. The first being “Held” for 6 months or so, then “Praise you in this storm”** and most recently within a few months, “Jesus bring the Rain”*** whose line that says “bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings you Glory, and I know there’ll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that’s what it takes to praise You, JESUS, bring the rain!!!!!” Absolutely amazing, and a prayer that I pray often. I refuse to be defined by my circumstance. I want people to see me and say I see Jesus. I don’t want people to see me and say that’s the lady whose son died 5 days after birth, or whose mom died, or who was abused as a child, or who had a alcohol problem, or who lived in sin before she got married, or who blah blah. I have finally understood why I have suffered as much as I have; because Jesus wants to reveal that He can bring us through the fire and we not get burned, and not have any smell of smoke on us, Just like Daniel’s friends in Daniel 3. Our God is good and I cannot praise him enough. I am just glad to be a part of it.
I am so thankful for contemporary Christian music. I cannot imagine possibly healing the way I did without it. It caused me to question God when I needed to, trust Him when I was supposed to, and accept His sovereignty as authority. It allowed me the sacred time to contemplate my life and spend time with God without the natural whining we as human most often come to Him with. I just speak it from my spirit to his with this music and tears and outstretched arms and closed eyes. Music elevates me. It brings me closer to God and without it I would be lost, as it is my greatest form of communication with my Creator.
I hope this has blessed you. And I hope that you will also share here which songs means most to you and why. What stations do you listen to? Who is your favorite Christian band/singer?
With Love,
Sunshine
PS Lyrics to the songs are below…
*”Held” by Natalie Grant — “Two Months is too little, to let him go, they had no sudden healing, to think that Providence would take a child from his mother while she prayed, is APPALLING! Who told us we’d be rescued, what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We’re asking why this happened, to us who have died to live, it’s unfair. This is what means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive, this is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we’d be held. This hand is bitterness, we want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows, the wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tommorow. If hope is born of suffering, it this is only the beginning, can we not wait for one hour watching for our savior. This is what it means to be held.”
**”Praise You in This Storm” by Casting Crowns — “I was sure by now, that you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in ans saved the day, but, once again, I say “amen” and it’s still raining, as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain, “I’m with you” and as your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. I’ll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I’ve cried, you hold in your hands, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm. I remember when I stumbled in the wind, you heard my cry, you raised me up again, my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, if I can’t find you. I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. And I will praise you in this storm.”
***”Bring the Rain” by Mercy Me — “I can’t count a million times people asking me how I can praise you with all that I’ve gone through. The question just amazes me. Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You. Maybe since my life has changed long before these rainy days, it’s never really ever crossed my mind, to turn my back on You oh Lord, my only shelter from the storm, but instead I draw closer through these times. So I pray, Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there’ll be days when this life brings me pain. But, if that’s what is takes to praise You, Jesus, Bring the rain. I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above, because You are much greater than my pain. You who made a way for me, by suffering Your destiny. So, tell me what’s a little rain? So I pray, Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there’ll be days when this life brings me pain. But, if that’s what is takes to praise You, Jesus, Bring the rain.
